


before the end

by sunbean72



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst probably, Gen, I don't get cap so I can't speak to any of that, Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Not a ship, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony-centric, and had been at his side instead of wanda's, deals with the apology letter, different, different but supportive, have been, i'm just thinking of the consequences of one man's actions in a broader picture, i'm not blaming steve for ultron, if steve hadn't constantly put him down and discouraged him, if steve would have been more trusting of tony, it would have been nice for steve to be nice to tony, steve had every right to trust tony (and he never did), teammates, that could, the avengers assembled did a great job of showing that, the picture of a team, this is just about a moment where tony gets a small glimpse of things, tony had every right to have trust issues but trusted steve (and he didn't deserve it), would ultron have happened?, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-05-26 08:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14996543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbean72/pseuds/sunbean72
Summary: Steve had an eidetic memory-- an effect of the serum that no one had anticipated, and it had proved a blessing and a curse. But he needed to see something in order to remember it, which was why he had a habit of making a list of everything important to him.set right at the end of CA:CW; tony's pov, cleaning out Steve's office right after he received the fedex box





	before the end

**Author's Note:**

> HEre's a thing i wrote a while ago! never was quite happy with it but thought i'd throw it out there in case you enjoy. cap stans don't interact please

"I estimate you have 27 minutes Boss," FRIDAY said quietly. She'd been oddly gentle with him since he'd gotten out of medical three days ago. It was something he expected of JARVIS but not FRIDAY, who had been designed for offensive strategy and protection more than JARVIS had and had proven to have a stiff upper lip. He thought she might feel bad about not being able to do more the past few weeks. She was as helpless as he was for all of it; they both felt like they'd been in the path of a tornado. He didn't blame her in the least. She'd done everything she could.

"Thanks," he murmured. He stood in front of Steve Roger's office... previously his office. The place is formerly known as Steve's office. The... place. Steve's area. Before but not now, not anymore.

"FRIDAY?" he called, making sure she was active in the office. None of the personal areas had her on by default; the person would have to request her specifically and as far as he knew, Steve had never used her.

"I'm here," she confirmed.

"Boot up the computer. Use the White Rabbit protocol and flag and save any files of Avengers material to our secure server and delete. Leave as much as you can, though."

"White Rabbit? Who named it that?" FRIDAY asked.

"If you must know. It was me."

"I figured as much. I didn't think JARVIS was a Jurassic Park fan."

"Roasted by my own artificial child. Nothing new there," Tony muttered, pulling out the desk drawer and pulling out a stack of papers to look through. Twenty-seven minutes wasn't going to be enough time for him to do a decent job searching, and Rogers knew plenty of old-school spy tricks for hiding stuff. Probably. He had no idea if that was true or not, actually; he'd learned the hard way he didn't really know the guy at all.

 _Whose fault is that?_ He wondered, his heart twisting painfully.

This was probably a mistake. He put the papers back and closed the drawer. Was it normal? That everything in the office was a painful reminder of just how stupid, how naive, how trusting he was? How much time and effort and care and thought he'd put into the offices and rooms and spaces of the now defunct Avengers? And how _utterly stupid_ he felt about it. He'd been through some bad breakups, and this reminded him of that a bit, but this was worse than any of those. The worst part wasn't the bad memories-- all the times he and Rogers had been at odds, had argued, had fought. No. It was the few small things that reminded him of the good times, where they were like a team and like a family and they were really _doing it,_ they were actually _making the world a safer and better place_ for everyone.

He noticed a piece of paper with a drawing on it under a few memos. He reached over pulled it out. It was a monkey on a unicycle, holding a shield and an umbrella and wearing the old style Captain America Uniform. He lifted his eyebrows in surprise; this was actually something he recognized. In fact, he'd given it to Steve a few years ago. When he'd built the Avengers Tower in New York, he'd thought that it would be a home base of their operations but also give the team a place to live and train-- together. Howard had collected as much of Steve's stuff he could over the years, and Peggy Carter had given him a bunch of things for safe keeping, knowing it was one of the few things Howard wouldn't exploit for his own benefit. Steve Rogers was the one thing his dad never compromised himself for. Tony had all but forgotten about all of it until Nick Fury had sent Coulson to brief him on the Avengers before Loki and... everything happened. Tony had thought it would be a nice surprise for Rogers to get some of his old stuff back; he'd had it all sent up when the tower was rebuilt.

Of course, Steve Rogers never used the Tower.

(None of the team had, except Bruce. Bruce had settled in quite a bit actually; it was nice for him to have a lab again. But even he came and went, and after Hulk disappeared, it took a year or so for Tony to admit he wouldn't be back. That was probably the last straw for getting rid of the tower, if he was honest with himself. There was simply no one that wanted to be there anymore.)

Steve had Very Politely Thanked Him for the room, the small, personal gym with stronger equipment that could withstand his strength, the small art studio he'd stocked. And then he'd drop by for a few days before, during, and after missions, using the gym and other items provided but only enough to get by for a few days. He never did use the art studio. He only took a few of the things that Howard and Peggy had kept for all those years... hoping. Or memorializing, Tony didn't know which.

The drawing had been in one of the old notebooks. Tony was a bit surprised to see it, of all things, among the items that had made the transition to the Avenger's Compound after he nixed the tower. Steve had taken to the compound a bit better, which was good. Tony tried not to take it personally.

He put the drawing back where he found it and checked on FRIDAY's progress. He opened a few file drawers, going through them with care, but there was nothing he was overly concerned about. The Avengers hadn't hidden anything that they were doing, and had a very active relationship with law enforcement and a reporting system, mostly overseen by Rhodey. FRIDAY was deleting a few things, mostly private information, schematics for improving the team's uniforms and weapons, that kind of thing. No use letting Ross get a hold of any of _that._ But it seemed that Steve kept very little important or classified information in his office.

He gave one more glance to the desk drawers, and just as he was about to close the last drawer, a small notebook in back caught his eye and he pulled it out. It was a bit careworn, and full. It was just little notes; he noticed Steve liked to make notes to himself like that, this was just an old one, nothing important. He fanned through it and a list on the back caught his eye.

_May 29, 1970_

_Gulmira-- Ho Yinsen_

_Thursdays_

_Harley Keener (mentioned several times)_

_~~Doesn't like Christmas~~ Parents died Dec. 16, 1991, car accident-- poinsettias_

_~~0~~ Dairy_

_Pepper Potts May 31st (anniversary?) no strawberries_

__

_Piano_

_Vodka martini (dirty)_

_~~Dummy?~~ DUM-E, U_

_JARVIS= butler_

_~~0~~ handing things!_

__

Tony stared at the list a long time, rereading it over and over again. His first thought-- information to use against him. Right? In his mind, he'd relegated Steve Rogers to the same column as Obadiah Stane-- someone who could treat him nicely on one hand, stab him in the back with the other, and the entire time use him (his mind, his home, his resources; use his guilt, his fear, his giving nature, his hope, his insecurities) for their own purposes.

But... no. No, the thing was. This list wasn't good for that. All it was was information about small things that meant something important to Tony, that Steve wanted to remember.

(He thought back to his first encounters with Steve Rogers. The one where he called his Tower ugly. The one where he asked him who he was without his armor and he'd replied-- billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropists. 

In other words, more armors. 

He wasn't any of those things, those were just things about him. None of those things were the man Pepper loved and left. 

He actually... he wasn't sure who he was. He was just trying his hardest toward something he thought, now, he'd never reach but he _had_ to try.)

"Thirteen minutes, Boss."

"'Kay."

He reached over for the Fed-Ex box, delivered just before they got word from FRIDAY that a warrant to search Avengers Compound for any information regarding the criminal ex-Avengers would be executed in less than an hour. He opened the box and knew the black flip phone for exactly what it was the moment he saw it-- an olive branch. Tony stared at it, wondering if it was too little, too late-- after all these years of trying to measure up in Steve Rogers' eyes, this small token of what he's always been chasing after, a little bit of trust... maybe it wasn't enough.

(It was surprising, how much it hurt. When Steve admitted he knew. Surprisingly painful. Hadn't expected it.)

He unfolded the piece of paper that was in the box with the phone.

 _Tony, I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself._ Ah. Right. He'd told Rogers about the break with Pepper. In hindsight, that had been a mistake. It gave him a sick twist to his stomach that Rogers had likely told the rest of his team about it; the idea of them talking about him and Pepper and feeling sorry and so sad for him made him want to vomit. How he knew Tony was back at the compound was anyone's guess; he did have a highly trained spy as part of his team, though.

 _We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army._ Huh. That was news to him. Peggy and the Howling Commandos had always talked about Steve like a brother. Apparently, Steve didn't feel the same way. _My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. _Except, apparently, Tony._ And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either._ Except, apparently, Tony. _Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't. I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry._ Tony sighed, his chest filled with a pang of twisting pain again, and he suddenly felt so tired. So, so tired. He knew that, however little Steve deserved it, however much Tony despised him for his cowardice at not telling him the truth sooner, he would keep his trust. As much as it would satisfy his ego to send a little anonymous tip to Everette Ross (not Thaddeus, that moron), he knew he wouldn't and he hated himself a bit. 

_Hopefully one day you can understand._ He'd had some time to think it over, stranded as he was in Siberia and then the time in Medical. He wasn't sure if he agreed with Steve's assessment about understanding, but who was to say? _I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should. So, no matter what. I promise you, if you need us, if you need me, I'll be there._ It was surprising how little the Accords mattered to Tony. They barely registered on his radar. He was happy to give the members of the United Nations the consideration they asked for, but in all honesty, even they knew that the Avengers would have to act in an emergency and the Avengers were only ever called in an emergency. It was an important document; he appreciated that. But the Accords were a chapter in a closed book now that the Avengers were decimated the way they were. 

Tony stared at the phone a moment, contemplating. If nothing else, it did give him a small amount of satisfaction that if he wanted, he could have Steve arrested at any time. But he didn't need him to be arrested. It was time to move on, to look to a future that Steve Rogers, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, and Thor Odinson were not a part of. 

But, like Tony without the suit, the Avengers were more than just those members of the team. Like Fury said. The Avengers were an idea, and ideas could be improved upon. Look at Peter Parker. Tony bowed his head. Perhaps the letter hadn't had the effect Steve intended in the way he'd intended, but it did do one thing; it gave Tony a sense of closure. Steve, Obadiah. Natasha. They were what they were. It was better to know it than to keep trusting them.

"Priority call from Secretary Ross. There's been a breach at the Raft prison."

 _That_ gave him pause. "Yeah, put him through."

"Tony, we have a problem."

"Ah, please hold."

"No! Don't…" Tony clicked the button with a smirk before grabbing up the few papers he didn't want the US government filing away in some god-forsaken warehouse in Texas somewhere. The authorities would be here in a few more minutes. Tony crumpled up the apology letter, stuffing it in his pocket to be burned, then turned toward the door. After a second of hesitation, he went back and fished the notebook from the back of the desk where he'd replaced it and carefully tore out the page with the list about him. 

That, he thought he might just keep.


End file.
